I did it. I made the move. I hopped into my car with my two dogs and my cat – and my Mom and Brother in the car behind me and I did it. I took only what I could carry and I drove across the country.
They say to let go of the things that no longer serve you and for me that was very clearly the location in which I lived. Los Angeles has it’s strengths and it fed a lot of mine in the past. It fed a lot of what I was looking for when I was engrossed in the entertainment industry culture, it offered a lot to my entrepreneurial desires and fostered my drive and ambition; my passion and my ability to take in the chaos and push through it anyway. It also gave me the ability to take any dream or desire and make that a swift reality.
But the truth of it all is that it burned me out. It left me feeling alone, overworked, and just straight up tired.
If you’ve been following me you know that last year I spent some time at Heartwood Institute in Humboldt county and that is where I found my peace. That’s where time slowed down and I could stick my hands in the dirt and breathe in REAL LIFE. The life that we’ve become so far removed from that we sometimes forget it’s even there. I wasn’t ready to fully embrace that self sufficient lifestyle so I ran back to LA afraid to give up what I’ve known for my entire life. But as I settled back into the monotony of Los Angeles I realized how badly I wanted to get out again. I set up a plan to leave over the summer. But I wasn’t quite ready then either. I decided to stay and although I was still struggling it was the best decision I ever made.
I finally decided it was time to leave because I was broke, I was working as a waitress and there was absolutely nothing keeping me there except my fear of change and my fear of groundlessness. But the plans were set, the job was acquired and the apartment deposit was laid down. There was no turning back.
The drive was intense. It was scary. It was liberating. It was exciting and beautiful and I contemplated who I am and what I’m capable of over, and over, and over. I cried. I laughed. I squealed with excitement and joy and I remembered vividly why I decided to do it. I wondered a few times if I should turn around and go back but I kept reminding myself that if you don’t take risks you’ll never get to where you want to be. So I kept driving and after awhile I stopped looking back.
Arriving here felt like a ton of bricks falling onto my chest. It felt unsettled because I had no money, no furniture, no friends…luckily I had, and still have, my Mom and Brother and my Grandfather and Uncle who have lived here nearly their whole lives – but the feeling of having no home hit me hard. I realized that home is where the heart is and I got to working on putting everything together piece by piece – one step at a time. Starting with my apartment. I was able to create a settled home for myself within a week – and I have my lack of patience to thank for that.
I have been here for a total of 2.5 weeks and have already harvested produce from a farm and donated it to charity. I have made an impact on my work environment, I have gotten in touch with farms and charity pantries and have started researching how to begin my dream of having a homestead. If you told me a year ago I’d be living in The Berkshires I would’ve laughed at you. But my clarity is here and I know what I want. Now I’m taking every step I can to achieve it.
I don’t care that it’ll be 2 degrees out and snowing. I don’t care that I’ve never experienced a winter because living in LA was like I was constantly frozen – frozen with fear and doubt and LITERALLY stuck… in traffic and in life that felt like I’d never be able to break free of.
Being here has already been so liberating and has shown me that when something is scary that just means it’s worth it.
Here’s a little play by play of my trip:
6.5 hours later we hit Hurricane Utah! Here’s a beautiful view of the moonlight from my tent.
Our trip out was incredible. Next stop… Rifle Colorado!
And after a few boring states and a couple days – we arrived in Massachusetts.
So far, so fucking good my friends.